Where love and freedom embrace
by caracinous
Summary: ...there is no place for other feelings or wishes. Cause it was more then they both could ever have asked for. They hadn’t the right to want more…


My first Harry Potter FF. *applause* I hope it's not to bad, but I have to warn you: English is NOT my mother tongue. So I'm sure there are many mistakes in this FF. I still hope that you try to read it-and that you maybe even leave a review. You would make someone very happy. ^^ Hope you enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anthing-what did you think? All the characters belong to Joanne K. Rowling-I just play with them. (Does anybody read a Disclaimer? O.o )  
  
It was amazing what a single photo could do. He was sitting on an old bed, fascinated by the two figures waving at him. They looked so happy. Unaware of what would happen. Unaware of the dark future laying in front of them. Nobody would have thought that they were going to be torn apart like this. At this time, their only problem was to keep the secret they were hiding from everyone. Even from their closest friends. In the end they had managed it. Death itself was the secret keeper. They could trust him. Their secret would be safe forever.  
  
But the knowledge of it wasn't worth the price he had to pay. If there had been the slightest possibility of changing roles he would have taken it. He would have died with a smile, knowing he had saved him. But it was him who had to die. And it was just not fair. His whole life had been a mess. From the beginning to the cruel end. He had to fight all the time. Against his family, against Voldemort, against getting insane in Azkaban-god, why did he deserve so much pain? Why didn't anyone help him? Why didn't he help him?  
  
Anger rose inside his body. Without realising it he had thrown the small table in front of him against the wall where it broke into pieces. Breathing heavily he calmed down. 'Get a grip' he told himself. It was the moon that made him that aggressive-and mainly that strong. Tonight there would be full moon. In a few hours he would become this creature again. He hated it. But at least now he was able to control his actions when he was a werewolf. Thanks to the potion Snape made for him.  
  
A few minutes later he was as calm as ever. He had always been the prudent, shy guy. It had been Sirius who attracted the girls. Who was always in the middle of the actions, who was popular at school. But he'd never been jealous. He had liked his life as the calmer one of them. Maybe that was the reason they loved each other. They were so different yet so similar.  
  
And now it was over. They hadn't even been able to say goodbye. To share a last kiss, a last embrace, a last night. The pain inside him became unbearable. Memories rushed over him. The first time on the Hogwarts- Express. The first time they spent in detention together with James. The first time he rooted for him at a Quidditch Match. The first time they kissed. He looked at the photo he was still holding in his hand . One night before this was taken something had happened that changed both their lives forever. Who would imagine that something pure and simple like a kiss could turn their world upside down? That something so innocent would force them to hide for the rest of their lives? To hide the feelings and desires they felt? But passion like this wasn't easy to control. The longing and love for each other were so great, but their wish to be together unreachable. It hurted like hell to be so near and so far apart at the same time. To see the looks the girls threw at him. And the looks he threw back. Of course his behaviour was just a facade. A permanent mask he was putting on so noone would doubt that he was 'straight as a line'. He smiled softly. Those were the words Sirius once said to James. But this was before the kiss.  
  
*Flashback* Silence filled the room. The only light came from the small fire that was still burning. Its flames danced around and threw their shadows on the wall. He watched them growing larger and falling down again. Like they tried to reach the sky - or, in their case, the ceiling - but were hold back by invisible chains. It seemed like they were not allowed to be free. Just like him. He was not allowed to be free, to show his feelings. Forbidden longing ate him from inside. It felt like little knives cutting trough his skin,flesh and even trough his bones straight to his heart. Painful beyond all imagination. If there would be just the slightest sign that some of Sirius' feelings were similar to his own feelings for him. But he had always been the guy every girl adored. Nobody would dare to doubt his masculinity and he didn't do it either. No chance for him, although it sometimes looked like..  
  
" Hey Moony, you should go to bed. It's far past midnight. Even the best book isn't worth a sleepless night." Said a voice behind him. "Look who talks! Mr 'greatest marauder of all time'. I know that you can't appreciate a book. But some of us." Sirius grinned. 'All right, Moony. It's okay. But thanks for the compliment anyway. And: why are really still awake? Not because of a book I suppose- it's too dark to read. " His grin widened even more. "Just can't sleep. That's all." "Maybe a good-night kiss would help." "Wh.."  
  
But before he could say anything else he felt soft lips on his mouth. HIS lips. It was like the most amazing feeling he ever had. Within seconds millions of emotions washed over him. They twirled around, becoming a coil of joy and sorrow. It couldn't be real. But it felt so real. So wrong and right at the same time. Since when.? But he couldn't continue this thought cause Sirius broke their connection and looked straight into his eyes.  
  
"And.was it that bad?" he asked smiling. Not grinning. A real, true smile. "What? No! I alwayas wanted.but..you.and.." "So, if you wanted it, why did you never do it?" This left Remus speechless for quite a while. "I thought that you." ".and you were wrong." His fingers touched his cheek. "Shy as ever, Moony.." *Flashback End*  
  
Yes, he'd been shocked. Who wouldn't have been? Sirius Black, dream of all girls in Hogwarts, came over to him and kissed him. Without a word of expalantion or anything else. He shook his head. His smile. God, this smile. It was burned in his brain. Forever. This true smile. He was sure that nobody else in this world had seen him smile like he had done. Not even James. And this made his heart ache even more. He should have been there for him. Not only in the last minutes of his life but also in the rest of it. While he was fighting, while he was lonely sitting in Azkaban. How could he really have believed that Sirius was a spy? That James and Lily were killed because of him? He had nobody. He was left alone by everyone. By him. How must he have felt? After his escape he seemed to be the same Sirius Black he had been at school. But he wasn't. Of course not. Nobody would have been. And still: he never made him an accuse. Not once. And he was still the strong one. After all he was the one who comforted him. Who made him feel better by taking his fears away and loading it onto his own shoulders. As if he hadn't had enough own problems to worry about.  
  
His fault. It was his fault. Only his fault! He hadn't helped. The anger inside was getting stronger and stronger. That was not normal, mostly he had himself under control. The moon! He forgot the potion. But this wasn't a problem at all, he could still take it. But.why? As a werewolf he could be free. Unchained for the first time in his life. Without a second thought he ran out of the room, out of the house that reminded him of the love of his life. And the loss of it. He reached the street and kept running like crazy. The moon was rising slowly but he still had a little bit of time. Far away from everything, from the pain, the memories he could be free. For one night. And he deserved it! More than anyone else. Except for him- Sirius. But he was also free. On a painful way. But they had always broken the rules. Why shouldn't they do it now? He was staring at the sky, waiting. A few seconds later the howling of a wolf broke the silence.  
  
Happiness is not necessary for freedom. And love is unbreakable when the lovers are seperated forever. Where love and freedom embrace there is no place for other feelings or wishes. Cause it was more then they both could ever have asked for. They hadn't the right to want more. 


End file.
